How do difficulties develop in relationships?
After all relationships don't usually start out with arguing, blaming, emotional distance, and betrayal do they? We usually start out with lots of hope and excitement and loving feelings. There seems to be a time in all relationships where things change and become challenging. How partners deal with this transition effects whether you begin to break the original emotional bond or strengthen it.
How do couples break the emotional bond.
As things become challenging there are a number of things partners do that break the emotional bond, here are a few of them;
Shut down and keep things to themselves, especially hurts, resentments and desires.
Typical patterns in relationships.
Learning about your patterns is an important part of Couples Counselling.
Relationships are developmental.
In other words when we start out our relationships have an immature quality and we have to learn skills for a more mature relationship. Think of relationships you may have had when you were a teenager vs in your 20's and perhaps older. Also, each time we become involved in a relationship we tend to go through the same stages as we develop and mature. We can learn a lot about ourselves in relationship when we understand the nature of these stages. Below are some differences between an early stage or immature relationship and a mature relationship.
Early Stage/Immature Relationships |
Mature Relationships |
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| Little conflict and avoidance of conflict Lack of distinction between partners and tendency to merge boundaries. Tendency towards infatuation, and romantic fantasies. Similarities between partners are important. Believe they are responsible for each others happiness. |
Partners are open and honest with each other. Partners manage emotional reactions during disagreements. Partners can tolerate anxiety and conflict. Can express their needs and opinions to one another. Partners are supported in their independent life goals |
Focus of couples therapy
This is often where couples go into blaming each other for their reactions and feelings. Sensitivities relate to the experiences that you bring into the relationship, where you have been hurt or let down, so making you 'sensitive' to the possibility that could happen again. It is important that you learn about each others sensitivities and the ways you behave as a result so that you can become less reactive and unconscious when they come up between you. From here you can develop an ongoing dialogue that you can learn about your relationship and yourself.
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First; we develop a clear picture of each person's experience and position to the problem.
A large part of difficulties in relationships is the communication. What this comes down to is not effectively getting across your message to each other. A good deal of time in therapy is becoming clear about what you are trying to say to each other. This can sometimes make all the difference. As each partner's experience is explored there is a process of becoming clearer to yourself as well as your partner. Being able to express your experience and take in your partner's experience is what we call 'differentiation'. Click here to read more.
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Second; we explore the patterns and sensitivities you have to each other.
Sensitivities develop as a result of the emotional pain you may still be carrying from past experiences. Each person's sensitive areas cause emotional reactions to each other that make it difficult to deal with what is happening in the current situation. As we explore these areas you will become clearer about what is causing these reactions and have the opportunity to let go of this emotional pain. As you work through this you will learn to become less reactive to each other.
- Third; Understand that both partners are making a contribution to the difficulties.
This is hard for individuals to understand. Often when couples come into therapy at first they either see themselves to blame or their partner. Through the course of couples counselling you will learn about contribution versus blame and learn to incorporate your struggles into your relationship rather than avoid them.
