How do difficulties develop in relationships?
We don't usually start relationships with arguing, blaming, emotional distance, and betrayal. We start out with lots of hope and excitement and loving feelings. So why do things change? There seems to be a time in all relationships where challenges arise. How you deal with this transition effects whether you begin to break the original emotional bond or strengthen it.
How do couples break the emotional bond.
As things become challenging there are a number of ways you can break the emotional bond, here are a few of them;
Shut down – keep things to yourself, especially hurts, resentments and desires.
Typical patterns in relationships.
Learning about your patterns is an important part of couples counselling.
Relationships are developmental.
In other words when we start out our relationships have an immature quality and we have to learn skills for a more mature relationship. Think of relationships you may have had when you were a teenager vs in your 20's and perhaps older. Each time we become involved in a relationship we tend to go through the same stages as we develop and mature. We can learn a lot about ourselves in relationship when we understand the nature of these stages. Below are some differences between an early stage or immature relationship and a mature relationship.
Early Stage/Immature Relationships |
|
Mature Relationships |
| Little conflict and avoidance of conflict Lack of distinction between partners and tendency to merge boundaries. Tendency towards infatuation, and romantic fantasies. Similarities between partners are important. Believe they are responsible for each others happiness. |
Partners are open and honest with each other. Partners manage emotional reactions during disagreements. Partners can tolerate anxiety and conflict. Can express their needs and opinions to one another. Partners are supported in their independent life goals |
Focus of couples therapy
We develop a clear picture of each person's experience and position to the problem.
A large part of difficulties in relationships is communication. What this comes down to is not effectively getting across your message to each other. A good deal of time in therapy is becoming clear about what you are trying to say to each other. This can sometimes make all the difference. As each partner's experience is explored you become clearer to yourself as well as your partner. Being able to express your experience and take in your partner's experience is what we call 'differentiation'.
We explore the patterns and sensitivities you have to each other.
Sensitivities develop as a result of the emotional pain you are carrying from past experiences. The hurt and betrayal you feel from these experiences make you 'sensitive' to the possibility this could happen again. Couples will often go into blaming each other when these sensitive feelings arise. Learning to deal with your own feelings, sensations and reactions is an important part of therapy.
Understand that both partners are making a contribution to the difficulties.
This is hard for individuals to understand. Often when couples come into therapy at first they either see themselves to blame or their partner. Through the course of couples counselling you will learn about contribution versus blame and learn to incorporate your struggles into your relationship rather than avoid them.
