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articles on relationships, trauma and counselling.Posts Tagged ‘relationships’
Sensitivities in relationships
Sensitivities in relationships
The pain of not being heard, or betrayed, lied to or criticized are examples of experiences from our past that become sensitivities we bring into our present relationships. We become vigilant to these behaviors in others, and it takes only a hint of the original betrayal to cause a reaction. Sensitivities are the fragile areas of our psyche that are like open wounds. Any slight touch stings with pain and intolerance. The emotional reactions that erupt out of this pain take on proportions that far out weigh a common response. We justify our response with an internal logic which supports the perspective that our partner has purposefully hurt us. This will tend to create more of what we don’t want because others will perceive our response as unreasonable and become defensive. It is unreasonable because the recipient of such emotional outpouring is held responsible for more than their behavior. People don’t respond well to this. Thus, their defensiveness denies the pain of the person with the sensitivity.
The effect of rescuing in relationships
The effect of rescuing in relationships
In coming across the above quote recently I was reminded of the pain caused by being caught up in this cycle. Back in my mid twenties I was a walking wound, and to compensate I tried to take care of others and become the tool to their healing. Thankfully I have come a long way over the years even though there are times when I can get drawn into this dynamic. I have found this description a useful way to understand how we are caught up in being dependent on each other’s happiness. Partners will move between these three positions creating relationships based on powerlessness and fusion.
Stages and challenges in relationships
Stages and Challenges in Relationships
There is evidence that relationships follow a developmental path. Understanding this will help in understanding challenges in relationships. Some people negotiate these stages relatively easily but the growing pains of any relationship can bring up traumatic issues for individuals. Our early childhood influences our ability to negotiate the changes because these stages mirror the tasks in early childhood. If our developmental tasks have been interrupted or we have been wounded early in our lives, it will be revisited in our adult relationships. These stages provide a general guide that I find helpful in my work with couples and individuals. I give some examples of the kinds of challenges some couples face at each stage but it is by no means exhaustive.
Neither in nor Out
This article discusses the nature of ambivalence in relationships, and the resulting dynamics.
Ambivalence occurs in intimate relationships when there is the coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other that create an uncertainty about being in the relationship. It is our nature to split our experience into polarities, such as good/bad, right/wrong and emotions such as love/hate, joy/sadness. One could say that we constantly deal with the opposite of our experience even if that is unconscious. As we become closer to our beloved and feel connected our experience is defined by the possibility of separation. Every time we say ‘yes’ there is a ‘no’ in the background informing our choice. If I am saying ‘yes’ to something wholeheartedly, I can feel that yes in every cell of my being. ‘No ‘ has been considered and rejected, however fleetingly, and my ‘yes’ has the quality of certainty. If my desire to say ‘no” interferes with my ‘yes’ it will be said with hesitation and doubt, and a lingering uneasy feeling that causes me to hold back; I am unable to fully commit to that yes. So not only does the opposite polarity define my experience but the degree to which I have integrated it into my consciousness will also affect my experience. Ambivalence could be said to occur when we are stuck between two polarities, and unable to reconcile them.
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