Of course there are extremes in this continuum that we can all acknowledge. At the far end of intrusion is abuse and violence and at the far end of neglect is failure to acknowledge a person exists or attend to basic needs of food, shelter, warmth etc. People will die of both, and relationships will crumble as a result.   Most of us can deny that we are intrusive or neglectful when we identify extremes, but these forces are present for all of us. The majority of us are struggling with one another on a daily basis with ‘milder’ forms of these processes.

It kind of gets a bit tricky when one person’s expression of their needs is experienced as an intrusion by their partner. This conflict I believe is central to a lot of conflict in relationships. I know that it is in mine We do not always get what we want! If you are sensitive to neglect then a refusal to give you what you want can be experienced as neglect.  So we can dance around these ends of the continuum. Pursuing and withdrawing as we try to deal with the effects of these failures to connect.

Think about when you felt really connected to your partner. For me it is those quiet slower moments, when you have time to talk in depth and feel that the person is really with you and I am really with them.  But who has time for that in this world? It is a real challenge! Being present to someone can only be achieved through focused attention and lingering. It really takes effort for the majority of us. And when we are present we see more of the other person. Intrusion and neglect results in a failure to really see our partner and their experience.When we are not seen or understood this taps into very basic relationship wounds that become recreated in our present relationships.

So perhaps it would make it easier for all of us to accept that we are going to miss each other and repair those moments as we learn to be more present with one another.