Sensitivities in relationships
Sensitivities in relationships
The pain of not being heard, or betrayed, lied to or criticized are examples of experiences from our past that become sensitivities we bring into our present relationships. We become vigilant to these behaviors in others, and it takes only a hint of the original betrayal to cause a reaction. Sensitivities are the fragile areas of our psyche that are like open wounds. Any slight touch stings with pain and intolerance. The emotional reactions that erupt out of this pain take on proportions that far out weigh a common response. We justify our response with an internal logic which supports the perspective that our partner has purposefully hurt us. This will tend to create more of what we don’t want because others will perceive our response as unreasonable and become defensive. It is unreasonable because the recipient of such emotional outpouring is held responsible for more than their behavior. People don’t respond well to this. Thus, their defensiveness denies the pain of the person with the sensitivity.
Relationships can be a minefield of sensitivities that we try to dodge, control, or disarm forming patterns of relating. Paradoxically these ways of relating will create more of what we are trying to avoid or end up treating others in the same way. The more we are unconscious of our sensitivities our relationships will tend to escalate into a series of reactions which are out of our control.
So lets examine an example to explore this further.
A common sensitivity is not being heard. Typically what happens is, at the first sign of inattentiveness feelings of anger, hurt and frustrated emerge. The person will tell themselves things like; here we go again, why can’t they just listen, they are doing this on purpose, how many times do I have to say something, they don’t want to hear me, they obviously think I have nothing important to say. These thoughts are informed by beliefs that originate in early experiences. Such beliefs might be that they have to behave in certain ways to be heard or that there is no point saying anything as they wont be heard. So behaviors can range from emotionally demanding to shutting down immediately. The result of both these habits is to not hear what your partner has to say.
The person who is being accused of not listening at first may be bewildered by the accusation and strength of emotion coming at them. They may try to express what was going on for them in the situation but find the demanding behavior serves to silence them. As they continue to be accused they may become defensive. Both end up not listening and so reinforce the sensitivity to not being heard.
These interactions around sensitivities prevent you from dealing effectively with your responses to each other and understanding what is going on.
Ways to deal with your sensitivities.
1) So often in our attempts to control our anxiety about not having our needs met we end up trying to control our partner. All you can do is request change. Learning to accept that your partner is a separate being is a first step. Understanding that your sensitivity is rooted in your experience of deprivation and that your perceptions of what is happening is more about you than your partner.
2) Once you have more awareness of what is going on for you – share that with your partner. Understanding will help when it comes up in your relationship.
3) Deal with what is happening in the moment. Resist thinking in terms of ‘always’ and ‘never’. Sensitivities tend to get generalized.
4) Take time to explore what is happening with your partner, what caused them to behave that way, what was motivating them, ask questions before you come to your conclusions. Get to know who they are.