Are you Joined at the Hip?

We all have a need to connect to others and form intimate relationships where we feel a sense of belonging. Individuals who have unresolved fears around separation and abandonment are more vulnerable to forming connections based on fusion rather than intimate connection, or communion. Although, most couples will experience fusion in some way, especially as they navigate through the initial stages of forming a relationship. Fusion is a useful concept that describes what is happening for some couples and the way they can get into difficulties. A definition of fusion is the combining together into one body; a melting that forms a union. In relationships this means that the two people are acting and needing to be as one person. This article discusses how this happens and some of the consequences to this kind of union.

When people first come together the bond they form begins to create the feeling and experience of being in a relationship. One way of creating that sense of being in a relationship is through fusion. Partners do this initially by turning a blind eye to the differences between them. It is all about the similarities they see in each other and the language of love can reinforce this symbiotic fusion. For example, “I’ve found the perfect fit”, “ we are so connected it’s like he knows what I am thinking”, “finally someone understands me”. As long as you are thinking the same way and feeling the same things and wanting to do the same things you can feel connected. However, if either partner wants to express themselves differently you feel, metaphorically, as if you have been torn apart and suddenly separated. This is because the only way partners feel that they are in a relationship is when they are acting as one person.

The feeling of being torn apart can activate intense anxiety, anger, and abandonment. Conflict occurs in most relationships and represents a difference in desire that is being expressed. When this happens in a relationship based on fusion the couple will experience it in danger of coming to an end. Both partners will feel a need to pull the other back into fusion. A common method of doing this is through coercive ways of changing the other person’s experience. Communication that uses criticism, debate, persuasion and control are all ways that try to coerce the other into being the same as you. Because we all have our own individual desires and feelings it is impossible to continue for any length of time in a fused state. The following are common methods of trying to maintain fusion:

Someone is right and someone is wrong. Many couples struggle with proving who is right and who is wrong. Only one person can be right and so the partner who is proved ‘wrong’ effectively has no perspective and becomes insignificant. Communicating criticism, persuasion and control all rest on the belief there is a one right way.

Accommodating to avoid conflict. When one person accepts the influence of the other when they do not agree. This typically will be one partner who tends to sacrifice themselves to the will of the other, but it can also be a culture of agreement that is designed to avoid conflict. On the surface the couple appear to be happy and content with one another while resentment and dissatisfaction fester underneath. Accommodation occurs when he/she fears retaliation and they don’t want to fight to be heard, or they believe the relationship will end if they disappoint or upset their partner.

Using guilt. Guilt is used in relationships to put pressure on each other in a number of ways. Partners can coerce each other to feel similar emotional states. For example, if one person is having an angry reaction to someone, they can demand that the other feel the same way using guilt with ‘how can you not feel angry with them after what they did to me?’. Similarly, when one person is unhappy the other person can feel guilty for being happy and minimize their feelings. Guilt can make it difficult to say no to each other or engage in separate activities.

Mindreading. Partners will operate from a position that when you love someone you shouldn’t have to explain what you need – they should just know. This leads to partners assuming what each other is feeling and wanting rather than enquiring. Another version of this is when a partner feels threatened when not understood and does not pursue in explaining their position. The process of trying to be understood can bring up feelings of separation and therefore there is a desire to minimize the effort of needing to explain to each other.

A relationship built on fusion is a relationship built on fear. The fear of being separated from one another through any expression of difference is ever present. There is also a build up of unresolved conflict that increases the fear of being separated should that conflict come out into the open. A vicious cycle results as avoidance of conflict increases the fear of conflict arising in the relationship.

Forming a relationship based on communion is one where the experience of the relationship is like a third identity that both people belong to. If you imagine this as a sphere surrounding both people who are then free to move around within it. Each person’s wholeness can be contained within the relationship and separation of experience does not threaten the couple. Communication that is based on enquiry, curiosity, openness, clarity and persistence, reflects a relationship of communion and trust.