Many couples I see go in circles as they argue, blame, and attack one another which invariably ends in escalating the emotional distress.  Disappointment and hurt feelings become ladened with fear and shame as it reaches crisis levels.  We are in a crisis when we perceive the situation as catastrophic and engage in attacking or withdrawing behaviours and that prevent us from repairing a situation or communicate effectively about a difficult subject.

When we are in a crisis there are certain things that happen. 

Firstly, our fight or flight part of our nervous system is activated.  We are actually physically and emotionally ready for a fight or to flee.  So it is no wonder that our behaviour reflects this.  Some typical attacking behaviours are:

venting,
bullying,
demanding,
guilt tripping,
name calling,
blaming,
criticizing,
lecturing,
debating. 

Some typical withdrawing behaviours are:
avoiding conflict,
leaving or threatening to leave,
shutting down emotionally and verbally,
isolating and making unilateral decisions,
indirect expression of feelings. 

Often each partner will tend towards a preferred way of dealing with crisis but both can engage in fighting or fleeing at different times.

The way we talk about what happens when we have disagreements or breaches in the relationship also reflects a crisis. We tend to express things in catastrophic ways: ‘I can not believe you would treat me this way’, ‘I can’t deal with/stand this anymore’, ‘How am I ever going to trust you’.  These kinds of expressions overwhelm each partner and increase feelings of powerlessness.  The person receiving the message hears that they have done something so awful that the relationship has been destroyed.  The person expressing these sentiments reinforces that they are a victim with no power to recover.  One of the results of being in a crisis is a feeling of loss of control.  Partners spiral into behaving badly towards each other out of this sense of powerlessness.  Attacking others or withdrawing can often be a way both partners are trying to gain some control and deal shame. These behaviours and expressions only increase this cycle and the hurt that both partners are feeling.

Crisis occurs when our emotions of anger, hurt, shame, and fear overwhelm us.  It is very hard to stop the fight or flight behaviours when we are in this crisis state even though we want to because we are so ‘revved up’.  The reasons we feel in crisis are because there is something our partner has done, sometimes as little as a gesture, that activates a sense of danger we feel under and that our life is going to be destroyed.  Of course we know rationally that our life is not being destroyed, but when in a crisis state partners often feel that the relationship will end. 

As the hurt and resentment builds up it becomes easier to go into this crisis state rather than maintain a calm state because there has been little repair in the relationship.  The more betrayal a person has experienced in their life makes this crisis state easier to reach.

How can you change this cycle?

• First of all it takes time and effort.  Given how this cycle can become so entrenched,  it is easy to see how hard it is to change these behaviours.  Having a long term view on changing and dealing with your relationship struggles can help to weather the storms.  Looking for the small steps and changes will help to inspire you to keep going and begin to change the powerlessness you feel.  The first step is to keep resisting getting into the cycle and limit talking about difficult subjects until there is safety established.
  
• Our thoughts and behaviours are hard to stop once you have got involved in them.  Learning to notice the signs of a crisis state arising in your body before you get involved in thoughts and behaviours is an important step.  It is easier to calm down and comfort sensations than stop yourself venting once you have started.  For example, noticing tension and learning ways to relax and release the tension will help to keep your emotion in a tolerable range.  When our emotions are in a tolerable range we have more control over the ways we express ourselves and listen to our partner.
  
• Learning to communicate from a calm and regulated state is the most important step. You do not have to be in a crisis state to express your feelings.  Becoming calm is not an act of diminishing your feelings but one of getting them into perspective and creating an environment that is more likely to have your feelings responded to. Limiting your discussions to when you are in counselling creates safety and practice of these skills. Getting a different experience in therapy helps to show you that you can do it differently and train yourself to manage and change this crisis state.
• It is important to realize that we are not always in crisis or overwhelm when the fight or flight part of our system is activated.  Learning to notice our emotions and activation is important information when assessing and processing our experience.  Then we can use this information in our communication with one another. This is referred to as the window of tolerance, where we can experience and express our emotions with relative ease.
• One of the most common mistakes that feeds a crisis state is the belief that someone is right or wrong, good or bad. This means that your partner’s experience reflects on your experience, if one of you is good the other must be bad, and leads to defending yourself and making your partner wrong.  Learning to accept and understand one anothers' experience without making it wrong, is one of the most important things that need to change, in order to create a loving connection.
  
• Notice how your thinking encourages this crisis state. Do you think in catastrophic and absolute ways.  Change always to right now.  You can only solve this moment with each other.  Notice ways you blame and shame your partner.
• The crisis state is often triggered at the beginning of a discussion before fully understanding and exploring what your partner is saying to you and then prevents you from hearing the rest. When we are calm we can be curious and really explore our partners experience.
  

The pain of not being heard, or betrayed, lied to or criticized are examples of experiences from our past that become sensitivities we bring into our present relationships. We become vigilant to these behaviors in others, and it takes only a hint of the original betrayal to cause a reaction.  Sensitivities are the fragile areas of our psyche that are like open wounds.  Any slight touch stings with pain and intolerance.  The emotional reactions that erupt out of this pain take on proportions that far out weigh a common response.  We justify our response with an internal logic which supports the perspective that our partner has purposefully hurt us.  This will tend to create more of what we don’t want because others will perceive our response as unreasonable and become defensive.  It is unreasonable because the recipient of such emotional outpouring is held responsible for more than their behavior.  People don’t respond well to this. Thus, their defensiveness denies the pain of the person with the sensitivity.

Relationships can be a minefield of sensitivities that we try to dodge, control, or disarm forming patterns of relating. Paradoxically these ways of relating will create more of what we are trying to avoid or end up treating others in the same way.  The more we are unconscious of our sensitivities our relationships will tend to escalate into a series of reactions which are out of our control.

So lets examine an example to explore this further.

A common sensitivity is not being heard. Typically what happens is, at the first sign of inattentiveness feelings of anger, hurt and frustrated emerge. The person will tell themselves things like; here we go again, why can’t they just listen, they are doing this on purpose, how many times do I have to say something, they don’t want to hear me, they obviously think I have nothing important to say.  These thoughts are informed by beliefs that originate in early experiences.  Such beliefs might be that they have to behave in certain ways to be heard or that there is no point saying anything as they wont be heard.  So behaviors can range from emotionally demanding to shutting down immediately.  The result of both these habits is to not hear what your partner has to say.

The person who is being accused of not listening at first may be bewildered by the accusation and strength of emotion coming at them.  They may try to express what was going on for them in the situation but find the demanding behavior serves to silence them.  As they continue to be accused they may become defensive. Both end up not listening and so reinforce the sensitivity to not being heard.

These interactions around sensitivities prevent you from dealing effectively with your responses to each other and understanding what is going on. 

Ways to deal with your sensitivities.

1) So often in our attempts to control our anxiety about not having our needs met we end up trying to control our partner. All you can do is request change. Learning to accept that your partner is a separate being is a first step. Understanding that your sensitivity is rooted in your experience of deprivation and that your perceptions of what is happening is more about you than your partner.

2) Once you have more awareness of what is going on for you – share that with your partner. Understanding will help when it comes up in your relationship.

3) Deal with what is happening in the moment. Resist thinking in terms of ‘always’ and ‘never’. Sensitivities tend to get generalized.

4) Take time to explore what is happening with your partner, what caused them to behave that way, what was motivating them, ask questions before you come to your conclusions. Get to know who they are.

In coming across the above quote recently I was reminded of the pain caused by being caught up in this cycle. Back in my mid twenties I was a walking wound, and to compensate I tried to take care of others and become the tool to their healing. Thankfully I have come a long way over the years even though there are times when I can get drawn into this dynamic. I have found this description a useful way to understand how we are caught up in being dependent on each other’s happiness. Partners will move between these three positions creating relationships based on powerlessness and fusion.

When I began my training I was first acquainted with this system in relationships as having three positions, persecutor, victim and rescuer. It is useful to conceptualize each position as a separate person for description, but more accurately they are aspects within our psyche that are activated in relationships.  We express them in reaction to what we perceive and experience in others.  However, you may recognize that you gravitate towards one characteristic in particular.  Here is a description of each of these positions.

Victim (Wound).

The victim carries beliefs about themselves as being a target for others hostility and rejection. They believe others are against them and responsible for their pain.  They see their life in hopeless and helpless ways with obstacles at every corner preventing them from having what they really want. The victim expresses their helplessness to elicit caretaking. They do this by; guilt tripping, acting helpless, blaming, sabotaging success, afraid to take action, self deprecating statements, emotionality, and looking to others for direction. They are self-absorbed and want others to feel the way they do.  For example, if their partner feels happy and satisfied this can be experienced as a slight to their feelings, after all ‘can’t you see I am hurting over here?’ (says the wound).

They find it difficult to tolerate rejection or criticism. The victim feels afraid to take responsibility for themselves, and often mistakes responsibility for blame or rejection.  They are indirect about their needs believing the only way to be cared about is by manipulating it through being helpless and hurt.  Being self-sufficient means being alone and disconnected, and so resent others for not responding immediately when they need them.  Taking care of themselves is seen as a burden.  The victim has developed this view from either being a target as a child or learning through wounded adults to manipulate others. They view relationships as providing them with the safe haven that they crave. The consequence is to put pressure on others to do the impossible and make up for everyone who has let them down.

Rescuer (Tool).

The rescuer connects their self worth to being needed and taking care of others. They over function taking on things they perceive as helpful to their partner or that they think their partner ‘needs’ to be happy.  They have come to believe that their own desires are injurious to others and quickly deny them.  They want to avoid conflict at all costs and are governed by guilt whenever there is any possibility that they could be responsible for hurting anyone.  Some rescuers charge into situations where they perceive they are needed, taking on people as projects. They are also motivated by the fear that others will think badly of them. They carry shame about their own suffering or needs, striving to maintain a picture of themselves as in control and capable.  The rescuer is very focused on others and becomes very adept at anticipating disaster.  They rescue by managing and organizing others, catering to other’s emotional needs and attempting to provide whatever is requested, denying their own experience to protect others, saying what they think other’s want to hear, explaining their partners behaviour to others and apologizing for them, taking responsibility for others in an  attempt to take away someone’s suffering.  Through these actions the rescuer communicates a sense of them-self as capable and the other as incapable.

The rescuer tends to be self-sacrificing in the hopes of a return of love from their partner they have tirelessly taken care of.  At their core they do not believe they are lovable and attempt to elicit love by doing for others. In this way they are driven by perfectionism believing that the only way to receive love is by being perfect.  The rescuer will periodically fall into a pit of despair when everything falls apart and all their efforts have been to no avail.  They end up feeling helpless and try to compensate by controlling more which often takes them into the persecutor position.  From here they will become superior and contemptuous towards the victim when their efforts are not appreciated. They can also move into the victim position feeling used and abused.

Persecutor (Knife)

The persecutor is a position that develops out of the victim and rescuer. For someone who maintains this position in relation to others has likely been the victim of extreme control or chaos and has learnt to protect themselves by attempting to control others.  So feelings of worthlessness and vulnerability are buried deeply beneath a fear of loosing control.  Their self worth is tied to being right and being superior.  They attack to protect themselves from being attacked.  They maintain their sense of self worth by perceiving others in an inferior position.  The persecutor uses various methods to maintain control including, contempt, dismissing, attacking (verbally and physically), humiliating, blaming, raging, self-righteousness, bullying, sarcasm, stonewalling and withholding.  In extreme situations violence and rage are used to control others.  They deal with their own pain by inflicting it on others, feeling justified because of being victimized by others. Persecutors keep their vulnerability well hidden and see things in terms of weakness and strength, having contempt for what they perceive as weak in others.  They will often move into the victim position in response to being challenged and held responsible for their behaviour.

The victim and the rescuer will move into the persecutor position as an escalation of their attempts to control.  The victim will persecute with blame and guilt by torturing others with responsibility for their pain and not being good enough to make them feel better.  The rescuer will persecute others with their self-sacrifice and resentment that they are not appreciated for what they have done for them.  The rescuer will often express their hostility in a passive aggressive way, because their need to be thought well of predominates. The rescuer and victim will react to each other in a never-ending spiral that escalates into increasing resentment and hatred.  This cycle becomes increasingly abusive with both moving back and forth into the persecutor position. 

When you are caught in this cycle it is not possible to develop deep intimacy and both partners feel powerless.  Both the rescuer and persecutor project ‘weakness’ outward and the victim projects their aggression and responsibility outward.  In this way they maintain an incomplete sense of self through disowning these parts of themselves. There is a focus on others as responsible for your happiness and a belief that you can have control over others feelings and actions.  You may at your core carry the belief that you are responsible for others feelings and therefore can control them.  The victim does this by being helpless, the rescuer by being accommodating, and the persecutor by intimidating.   As you operate from these positions in relationships you maintain a lack of connection to an authentic self by living your life through others.  In this dynamic partners are viewed as unequal.

How to live outside this cycle.
Learning to take responsibility for ones own life and keep working towards the goal of wholeness is of course the way out.  Whatever it takes for you to focus on yourself and develop awareness will increase your sense of self.  Identification is the first step in changing.  Here are some pointers;

Counselling. When we get stuck in dynamics we have a certain way of seeing things that has developed from our life experiences and can be very difficult to change.  We tend to continue to see things from this perspective partly because we are so good at fooling ourselves and not looking at things we don’t want to deal with.  Each of these positions has an investment in staying caught up in it.  We change in part because we are frustrated and because we are challenged usually by others to see things differently.  Having a therapist to help explore these dynamics and providing a safe place to express the fear and shame that fuels these positions.  

Self reflection. There are many ways to do this, meditation, reading, spending time by yourself doing the things you like to do.  Doing more separate activities from your partner will help to develop more of a sense of self.

Identifying your Fears. These interactions are driven by fear. Identify when you feel fear or guilt. Create some space before acting on it to calm yourself and reflect on what you really feel or desire in the situation.  By slowing yourself down you can often identify what is triggering the guilt or fear and what decision you are making in response. Do something different to break the habit.

Deal with Conflict.  As you learn to identify your reactions that cause you to avoid conflict you will become more aware of the truth of your experience in relationships.  Being honest risks others not being happy with you (you can't make them happy anyway), and having to deal with your differences. The more honesty that comes into relationships the more you will develop a foundation based on responsibility for your own happiness.

Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.

Definition of Intimacy.
My particular definition of intimacy states that it is a shared physical and/or emotional space where there is an exchange that furthers an understanding of each other and your connection to one another. Intimacy results in an experience of being known by the other. This exchange occurs at it’s deepest when there is a focus on what occurs between you. In other words, being a confidant while it may produce a feeling of closeness has much less impact on your personal understanding of each other or your relationship to one another. So in this exchange we could say that the deepest intimacy occurs when you are able to say to the other what you cannot say to anyone else. This relates to the intimate dialogue.

Intimate Dialogue
Sharing direct experience of each other typically evokes feelings of anxiety as we are faced with the different-ness of the other. I believe this is due to experiencing the possibility of truly being seen by our beloved as we express our experience. When we feel close due to similarities and agreements we don’t have to feel the possibility of our individuality being in question, or even worse rejected. To be seen can go either way, accepted or rejected. However, relationships and connections to others are crucial to our self-development. We cannot be truly seen if we are in isolation, and if we are not seen there is no mirror in which to process our reflection. The trepidation in which we approach an intimate dialogue reflects the pain of our shame. After all what do we believe others will see if at our core we only see failure and inadequacy, and yet, our shame cannot be transformed until it is witnessed and processed through the heart of another. There is the awful dilemma.

Engaging in intimate dialogue can be like venturing into unknown dangerous territory. You don’t quite know what you will encounter or whether you will make it back out in one piece. However, the discoveries you can make can be priceless and transformative. So it can be when we venture to open our self to another. As we stand before our partner and prize open our trembling heart entrusting it to their goodwill and care, we don’t know what will happen. Intimate dialogue does not necessarily come easily, we have to work hard to help the other person understand us, keep in check our emotional reactions that cause us to want to storm away or attack, and learn to patiently listen to their often clumsy expressions or uncomfortable feelings towards us. So attempting to be intimate can go awry, you could just as easily end up in your separate corners than feel closer with a deeper understanding.

Of course practicing helps. Just like climbing a mountain regular exercise is going to make it easier and give you confidence that you can deal with the terrain. Many couples that come in to see me are out of practice or just don’t understand how important it is to communicate in this way. The later are often couples where their lives have gone on for many years seemingly content. They never argue and report that they get along well, often doing many things together. Why would they open themselves to the possibility of disrupting all of that? Yet here they are in my office because they feel disconnected and have lost their passion for each other. There is deadness between them.

Respect
To practice deepening intimacy first requires lovers to practice an attitude of respect. This begins with a realization that the other is a separate individual. This may sound obvious but what it requires is acceptance of the other and their experience as legitimate. When we are communicating about what occurs between us and the effect we have on each other the impact of our partners can be anything from frustrating to painful or shaming. Once respect has been lost intimacy is not possible because both parties are invading each other in an attempt to change the other. Our desire to change them may come from a place of not feeling respected or from simply not accepting they have different ways of doing and being in the world. Either way we want them to stop doing what they are doing and stop now. Respect allows the other to be who they are and change at their own pace. Respect means inhibiting our desire to invade. This takes practice and is the practice of love to acknowledge and repair the moments of invasion between you.

Approaching each other with respect helps shape the communication with responsibility for your own actions and feelings. When each partner speaks from his or her experience there is often less defensiveness, which allows for more understanding. You can take in more of what the other is saying. A simple ‘formula’ to practice is 'when you (…) I experience (…. ). This can apply to saying loving affectionate sentiments as well as frustrations and disappointments For eg a positive expression would be ‘when you (—) I feel warm all over and it makes me smile’. A negative expression would be along the lines of ‘when you (….) I feel like I want to throttle you! To acknowledge that you want to invade (throttle you!) is not the same as invading which would be to say ‘can’t you just keep quiet! Silencing is a way to ‘throttle’ them.

In ‘taking in’ the other we also need to refrain from taking responsibility for them. Another aspect of respect is to resist being a caretaker. Sometimes no matter how a person expresses their experience as their own responsibility, to some, the mere existence of the other evokes a need to take responsibility for them. In other words, the above formula is not foolproof. However, it provides a good place to start and practice from. Another issue that can get in the way of taking in the perspective of others is when our sense of self is fragile and our partner’s perspective brings up a fear that we be engulfed. Couples who hold on tightly to their perspective as being right, are an example of how this may occur.

Deepening intimacy is a continuous process that takes practice. One that involves developing respect and being aware of the many ways we can invade each other, taking responsibility for oneself, and learning to share yourself in an open and forthright manner.

The concept of differentiation is central to the work I do with couples. Here are a couple of definitions:

Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of defining self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation.

Murray Bowen defined differentiation as the degree of resilience to the interpersonal contagion of anxiety.

This article discusses why we need to develop skills for differentiation, and some of the ways couples can do this.

It is important to distinguish between individuality – which these definitions may sound like -  and differentiation. Individuality is how we develop as a person, and connected to self esteem – what is it that makes us who we are? Differentiation is what occurs in relationships with our parents, partners and close friends. Differentiation is not about being separate from our partner it is being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who often reflects on how you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in a significant relationship you may have developed your individuality but have difficulty with differentiation. 

There are several main skills necessary for differentiation to develop.

Differentiation of Self requires the ongoing ability to identify and express important aspects of yourself….thoughts, feelings, wants and desires. Awareness of self is important and this is where individuality can be useful in the ability to identify what is going on in our internal world. Differentiation requires an expression of that internal world to the other.

Differentiation of other is the ability to be curious about your partner’s self disclosure while managing your own reactions. To be present and loving in the face of your partners strong feelings and reactions to you. One skill that helps is the ability to maintain a bigger picture of who your partner is over time, instead of seeing their reaction in the moment as the whole of them.

Differentiation is important to relationships for the following reasons;

• Partners and relationships evolve. There is a continuous richness and complexity that is experienced within oneself as well as the relationship.
  

• Prevents partners compromising core values and beliefs. Learning to understand and support what is important to both people. In the popular culture there is an emphasis on compromise in relationships. What this can encourage is a desire to fix differences and find a solution too quickly  so both partners end up merging and there is boundary confusion.
  

• Maintaining attachment. You can not feel connected to someone who is undefined or vague. Nor will you feel understood if you don’t express yourself clearly.
  

• Working effectively with conflict/differences. Often when we are in conflict our emotions can take over and affect each other. Learning to manage this more effectively and not take things personally. Negotiating effective outcomes makes conflict a way of  promoting more understanding and trust.
  

• Deepening intimacy. Being deeply connected in our differences requires being empathic without losing our sense of self.  Remaining curious to who our partner is rather than trying to make them the same as us continues to deepen intimacy. Sexual intimacy remains vibrant and passionate. One sure way to kill passion is to avoid conflict.
  

When the sun is shining it is much easier to feel connected to your partner. When we are in agreement it is easy to express oneself as there is little risk of conflict.  This is often the way at the beginning of relationships.  But when we are stressed, irritable and tired and differences in our needs or perspective arise, then the work of differentiation really begins. Anxiety arises when we express our difference. Our differences can threaten our security in the relationship. Perhaps my partner wont love who I am if they find out that I see things differently from them.

At this point couples often acquiesce to avoid conflict or will fight to hold onto their identity and try and force their partner to merge. In these ways couples are resisting differentiation. There are certainly some differences that can cause the relationship to end such as wanting children or not wanting children, so the risk is real. However, if you do not do the work of differentiation your relationship can become stagnant and tense or lead to abusive and angry fighting. Both create  more distance that erodes their self esteem.

Contact Delyse to set up an appointment 

Lack of Self-Knowledge

The deeper we know our self the more fully we can be present with others and consciously share our experience. The less you know the more difficult it becomes to communicate your feelings and desires effectively to your partner.  Deep intimacy requires both partners to communicate in an open and honest way, to say what you cannot to anyone else.  Intimate communication involves speaking about the effect we have on one other, both our delight in them, and our resentments and disappointments.  The less we know about our self and the less comfort we have in focusing on our internal and felt experience, the more tendency we will have in interactions to focus on the other and assign blame.

We always reside in awareness and unawareness.  When we are coming from an unconscious place we tend to feel disconnected from those around us, and have less control of our feelings, desires and behaviour.  Communication becomes confusing when we project our feelings onto our beloved instead of expressing and experiencing them directly.  It is our responsibility to keep working on moving from unawareness towards awareness.  We need to take time to reflect, deal with unresolved issues, and learn about ourselves.

Unresolved issues; Family and Relationships

All of us bring our past into relationships. When we have not examined unresolved issues but rather attempted to move on by saying to ourselves  ‘the past is the past and has nothing to do with me now’, we may believe we have gained control over painful memories and experiences.  However, we are likely to find that the same experiences keep occurring as an unconscious re-enacting of early situations.  At some point we have to stop and consider how much control have we gained?  It becomes clear that we do not come into relationships objectively or with a clean slate.  We carry a veil over our partner and the world that we see through.  A veil of projections, that in order to really see and connect, we have to remove.

Emotional wounds occur in early relationships, and when this happens we develop self -protections; unconsciously or consciously we are saying, “I am not going to let that happen again.”  The ways in which we protect ourselves can range from withdrawing, fighting and blaming, trying to please or sabotaging.  These behaviors prevent intimacy, and create distance between partners.  The following is the most common issues as a result of past wounds;

• Unmet Needs.  It is impossible for those around us to anticipate and fulfill our every need.  All of us end up with areas in our psyche where we have experienced deprivation, an un-fulfilled need that still seeks to be gratified.  We are starved of attention, pride, care, or support.  The list goes on.  Coming into relationships we carry a longing for that person who will know us so completely that the pain of  unmet needs gets washed away. How often have you heard at the beginning of relationships such expressions as; I feel so cared for, finally someone understands me, he/she really see’s me, etc.  These are the statements of hope that things will be different.  What we find is that things are not that different and the same kinds of disappointments emerge as relationships progress.  These disappointments tend to have a familiar quality for each person.  For some it is the familiarity of not being heard, for others it is feeling judged.  Just like our parents who could not meet all our needs nor can our partner. We have to resolve the past within ourselves so we do not burden our beloved with the task of meeting all our needs.

• Attachment difficulties. The ability to form secure intimate attachments is a result of the kinds of attachments we experienced early in life.  Depending on how separation was dealt with during formative periods will determine how insecure we feel regarding attachment and separation.  Difficulties tend to manifest as fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment (e.g., “Don’t leave me” or “Don’t get too close”).  Separation and loss is the underbelly of relationships.  As we open our hearts to someone there is the knowledge that they will be torn from us, either as a choice to walk away, or in death.  So times of separation from each other can evoke strong feelings that partners can react to by trying to hold on too tightly or alternatively, maintain their distance emotionally.  Highly differentiated people can maintain strong emotional bonds while still maintaining their individuality.  They can tolerate intense connection and periods of solitude.

Dishonesty

Intimacy requires openness between partners.  We can only be honest about what we know.  Dishonesty is obvious in the big things when we know that we are actively keeping something from someone.  It is in the everyday avoidance of being open about your experience with one another that causes an ongoing erosion of connection.  For example, picture the woman who is looking forward to seeing her husband after a stressful day so she can have someone to talk to, and gets home to find him engrossed in a project of his own and doesn’t get his attention. She feels resentful and disappointed but doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to create any conflict.  So what happens over time is this unexpressed experience begins to build a wall between partners. Each incident is dismissed as unimportant and with it a dismissal of what is important to her.  People are driven by fears of how their partner will take the truth.  So people tend to withhold things that they believe will get a negative response or disappoint their partner.  Honesty becomes a particular challenge at times when negotiating differences, or expressing feelings about the other that are threatening, such as jealousy, criticism, disappointment, and hurt.

Trying to Please. Dishonesty is tied to trying to please by focusing on your partner’s needs and feelings to avoid conflict.  Even though women tend to be the caretakers it is not exclusive to women.  Caretaking becomes a role that denies the caretakers needs in the relationship.

Addictions.

Addictions take energy and attention away from the relationship.  It is easy to see the destructiveness of substance or alcohol addiction on a relationship, but also a work addiction.  Work is hard to confront because it is legitimized by our need to earn a living, and is seen as supporting the relationship and family.  When one or both partners chronically spend long hours at work there is no time to spend in the relationship.  The relationship and their lives become out of balance.

Lack of Time Spent Together.

Intimacy takes time. The longer you are in a relationship a deeper trust and understanding develops.  Making the time to spend in each other’s presence allows for a variety of experiences with each other. These include; having fun together, doing different activities, working on a project, being quiet together, being sexually intimate, as well as addressing conflict within the relationship.  It is important to give yourselves the time to really experience each other.  Snatched moments don’t allow for the kinds of exploration needed in the above examples.  In all relationships there are times when things outside the relationship take priority, such as work, school, family commitments etc. Problems arise when there is a pervasive pattern of not making time to be present with one another.  When both partners have not connected in an intimate way it is more likely that certain experiences in the relationship will go unaddressed.  These may be resentments and conflict issues, feeling unloved, or decisions are made without the full involvement of both partners.  As these experiences build up, the motivation to spend time together decreases because there is so much to repair.  Over time, couples tend to avoid one another and the minefield of unresolved issues.  Ultimately, an excuse of  “we don’t have time” can be a red herring, a euphemism for avoidance of relationship issues and fear of intimacy

There is evidence that relationships follow a developmental path. Understanding this will help in understanding challenges in relationships. Some people negotiate these stages relatively easily but the growing pains of any relationship can bring up traumatic issues for individuals.  Our early childhood influences our ability to negotiate the changes because these stages mirror the tasks in early childhood.  If our developmental tasks have been interrupted or we have been wounded early in our lives, it will be revisited in our adult relationships. These stages provide a general guide that I find helpful in my work with couples and individuals. I give some examples of the kinds of challenges some couples face at each stage but it is by no means exhaustive.

The first stage is called symbiosis. This typically occurs at the beginning of  a relationship. Both partners are exploring the possibilities of compatibility and creating a life together. This is where couples are creating a sense of  ‘we-ness’, by bonding over the similarities they have and creating an identity of togetherness. It is here that we fall in love, explore the possibilities and dreams of a relationship, and share our innermost thoughts and feelings.  During this stage partners often have a sense that they have found the person who fits. There is little demand for change and differences are overlooked. There is a mutual give and take with both parties nurturing the relationship and giving attention to each other’s needs. When both partners feel that the other has nurtured them a good foundation is established to develop into the next phases of relationship. One of the problems and difficulties that arise at this stage is due to the fact that the relationship contains a lot of projection and fantasy about each other. When individuals come into relationship with a strong desire to find someone to ‘fix’ their wounds, or ease their anxiety of being alone the symbiotic fantasy can obscure incompatibility and unresolved personal issues. This makes transitioning into the next stages very difficult.

The second stage is called differentiation. Here both partners become aware of their differences. Disappointment is experienced as the symbiotic fantasy dissolves. This is a time that the couple begins to live their everyday life with each other and conflict arises. Differentiation will begin to arise after a significant commitment has occurred such as the first year of marriage or when partners move in together.  There is still a focus on the relationship and how each are different from the other. Each partner is developing self-definition through identifying their uniqueness.  Negotiating differences is an important challenge at this time, as the couple develops their skills to deal with conflict. Sometimes individuals cannot tolerate conflict or being disillusioned and will abruptly leave the relationship in search of the next symbiotic fantasy.  This I believe is one of the most important challenges to relationships – coming to terms with our differences and supporting each other’s needs even when we don’t agree, or they don’t do things the way we do.

Most difficulties in relationships occur in these first two stages. Partners can get stuck in symbiosis and avoid differentiation by becoming enmeshed and there are two ways that this happens. Firstly, there is the couple who will avoid conflict by attempting to anticipate every mood and need each other has. Relationships are based on mind-reading and indirect communication. There is a lot of fear in the relationship, fear of separation, fear of their needs not being met, fear of not meeting their partners needs.

Secondly, enmeshment can occur by being hostile and dependent. They cannot separate and cannot resolve their differences. In this situation there is a lot of blame for not meeting their needs and often the conflict escalates into constant arguing and bickering.  There is constant attack in an effort to get the other to change and create symbiosis. This kind of merging reflects the statement ‘there is only one person in this relationship and that is ME!’ Arguments often centre around what is right and what is wrong.

The third stage is called practicing. This is where the individuals have a firm foundation in the couple relationship and take time to explore their individual pursuits and development. Partners become focused on themselves, career, school, activities, separate friends. The relationship provides a safe haven to return to after being out in the world. The couple are challenged to maintain the relationship bond while they learn to support each other’s individual pursuits.

There are a number of ways that difficulties arise at this stage.  If partners are threatened by separation they may try to control each other’s individual pursuits.  Individual’s need to go outside the relationship often occurs at different times. So one partner is still relationship focused and the other needs more separateness. The practicing stage can be a way to avoid differentiation by going outside the relationship as a way of not dealing with their differences and either become two people leading separate lives or conflict occurs as one tries to pull the other back into symbiosis. It is common for affairs to develop at this time.

Sometimes couples will meet when they are focused on self-development and forming a strong bond or togetherness is missed.  Especially where individuals have a fear of being engulfed, invaded or lose themselves when they get too close to someone may find symbiosis and differentiation very difficult. It is not unusual for these couples to live apart for many years and maintain a ‘dating’ status. Long distant relationships can also be an expression of fears of getting close to someone and about the partners need to maintain a separation. This can work for a long time for some couples but when partners come into therapy at this stage it is usually because ‘something’ is missing.  That something is a deeper intimacy and the task here is to go back to the missed stages.

The next stage is called rapprochement which means a reestablishing of intimacy. At this time when partners have established a stronger sense of themselves and separate identity there can develop a deeper intimacy between them. There is a balance of connection and separation, a coming and going in the relationship. Partners will experience a greater vulnerability and childhood issues can achieve greater resolution because there is more safety to be oneself. There is less fear of being engulfed by a symbiotic intimacy and therefore can risk being closer. The challenges come where one is still at the practicing stage and wanting to hold onto their individuality. An increased need for intimacy can be interpreted as having to sacrifice ones self for the relationship for the partner who has not moved on from practicing. The partner who wants more contact and intimacy may feel frustrated and unsatisfied in the relationship. Negotiating their differences is usually easier at this stage because they have learnt to negotiate differences earlier and have developed their style of conflict resolution. At this point the couple may engage in shared projects or causes.

The last stage involves a mutual interdependence. The couple are continuing to learn about giving to each other and the relationship is based on supporting each other’s growth rather than need. There is a strong foundation that provides constancy and the fantasy has been reconciled with the real.

Each couple will find particular challenges depending on who they are,  childhood issues and the circumstances of life that trigger responses to each other. Problems between couples arise when stages are skipped or there is a difficulty moving from one to the next.

So what does this mean you may ask?

It is fascinating to me how important the first years of life are in creating these styles and patterns within us – that is where it all starts truly:) We may very much want to leave it all behind and believe that we can do just that.  Perhaps it gives us a sense of power to feel we can rise above our parents influence – however, understanding attachment can be useful – if not interesting.

The relationship as an infant with our [mothers] is instrumental in creating what is referred to as secure or insecure attachment.  This comes down to developing an ability to both approach other people and separate from other people. The ease to which we can do this is determined by how in tune our mothers were with us in those first few years of life. Of course we don’t remember those years but we can often get a sense of it from how our relationships with those  people (mother)  or from information regarding events such as hospital admissions.  So what are our[mothers] doing that so affects us?

Being in tune with an infant is the ability to focus on the infants needs and respond to help the baby regulate their distress.  A baby cries and the mother responds with soothing and the baby’s nervous system learns to ‘calm down’. If the mother is not soothing the baby does not learn to calm down. If this happens over and over again, the babies nervous system starts to take on ways of dealing with this and develops what is referred to as insecure attachment styles. The mother can ‘misattune’ in a number of ways; by just not paying attention and being self absorbed, only responds in a cold and practical manner, gets frustrated or feels a lot of anxiety herself, avoiding mutual gaze, resisting physical contact, wanting attention from the infant when the child does not. These things happen on occasions with all mothers, but your parents have their own attachment styles that gets reflected in their ability to respond to you as a baby on an ongoing basis.

Of course if you throw into the mix more extreme forms of abuse and neglect then the baby may develop a much more extreme insecure attachment. Adults who have had these experiences find relationships very challenging and people around them often don’t know if they are coming or going.

So often in relationships as adults we can find ourselves in relationships with partners that challenge our attachment styles – just like my husband and I do. His style developed in response to an unattuned mother who would resist being emotionally connected. So he learned to avoid emotional connection. He is on the end of what is called insecure avoidant. As adults these people tend to avoid emotional intimacy, keep their internal world to themselves, appear as if they don’t need anyone, and find dependency frightening.  In other words they tend to get anxious the closer they become to others.

And people like me who have what is called an insecure ambivalent style tend to feel more anxious when separated from people close to them. This comes from a mother’s inconsistant and unpredictable response. So these mothers will tend to encourage connection and then withdraw from it depending on their own emotional moods. So a baby may sometimes feel soothed by the mother and than abandoned.  As adults we know that being close can feel good but what we don’t feel secure about is being separated from others. So we can perhaps see how my anxiety would get activated by my husbands avoidance of emotional connection and his anxiety gets triggered if I come in too close. The good news is that we can change these patterns to create more secure attachments.