DIFFERENTIATION

The concept of differentiation is central to the work I do with couples. I am going to give you a couple of definitions and identify the skills we need for differentiation, and some of the ways couples avoid doing this work in their relationships.

Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of defining self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation.

Murray Bowen defined differentiation as the degree of resilience to the interpersonal contagion of anxiety.

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Stages and Challenges in Relationships

There is evidence that relationships follow a developmental path. Understanding this will help in understanding challenges in relationships. Some people negotiate these stages relatively easily but the growing pains of any relationship can bring up traumatic issues for individuals.  Our early childhood influences our ability to negotiate the changes because these stages mirror the tasks in early childhood.  If our developmental tasks have been interrupted or we have been wounded early in our lives, it will be revisited in our adult relationships. These stages provide a general guide that I find helpful in my work with couples and individuals. I give some examples of the kinds of challenges some couples face at each stage but it is by no means exhaustive.

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