Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.

Definition of Intimacy.
My particular definition of intimacy states that it is a shared physical and/or emotional space where there is an exchange that furthers an understanding of each other and your connection to one another. Intimacy results in an experience of being known by the other. This exchange occurs at it’s deepest when there is a focus on what occurs between you. In other words, being a confidant while it may produce a feeling of closeness has much less impact on your personal understanding of each other or your relationship to one another. So in this exchange we could say that the deepest intimacy occurs when you are able to say to the other what you cannot say to anyone else. This relates to the intimate dialogue.

Intimate Dialogue
Sharing direct experience of each other typically evokes feelings of anxiety as we are faced with the different-ness of the other. I believe this is due to experiencing the possibility of truly being seen by our beloved as we express our experience. When we feel close due to similarities and agreements we don’t have to feel the possibility of our individuality being in question, or even worse rejected. To be seen can go either way, accepted or rejected. However, relationships and connections to others are crucial to our self-development. We cannot be truly seen if we are in isolation, and if we are not seen there is no mirror in which to process our reflection. The trepidation in which we approach an intimate dialogue reflects the pain of our shame. After all what do we believe others will see if at our core we only see failure and inadequacy, and yet, our shame cannot be transformed until it is witnessed and processed through the heart of another. There is the awful dilemma.

Engaging in intimate dialogue can be like venturing into unknown dangerous territory. You don’t quite know what you will encounter or whether you will make it back out in one piece. However, the discoveries you can make can be priceless and transformative. So it can be when we venture to open our self to another. As we stand before our partner and prize open our trembling heart entrusting it to their goodwill and care, we don’t know what will happen. Intimate dialogue does not necessarily come easily, we have to work hard to help the other person understand us, keep in check our emotional reactions that cause us to want to storm away or attack, and learn to patiently listen to their often clumsy expressions or uncomfortable feelings towards us. So attempting to be intimate can go awry, you could just as easily end up in your separate corners than feel closer with a deeper understanding.

Of course practicing helps. Just like climbing a mountain regular exercise is going to make it easier and give you confidence that you can deal with the terrain. Many couples that come in to see me are out of practice or just don’t understand how important it is to communicate in this way. The later are often couples where their lives have gone on for many years seemingly content. They never argue and report that they get along well, often doing many things together. Why would they open themselves to the possibility of disrupting all of that? Yet here they are in my office because they feel disconnected and have lost their passion for each other. There is deadness between them.

Respect
To practice deepening intimacy first requires lovers to practice an attitude of respect. This begins with a realization that the other is a separate individual. This may sound obvious but what it requires is acceptance of the other and their experience as legitimate. When we are communicating about what occurs between us and the effect we have on each other the impact of our partners can be anything from frustrating to painful or shaming. Once respect has been lost intimacy is not possible because both parties are invading each other in an attempt to change the other. Our desire to change them may come from a place of not feeling respected or from simply not accepting they have different ways of doing and being in the world. Either way we want them to stop doing what they are doing and stop now. Respect allows the other to be who they are and change at their own pace. Respect means inhibiting our desire to invade. This takes practice and is the practice of love to acknowledge and repair the moments of invasion between you.

Approaching each other with respect helps shape the communication with responsibility for your own actions and feelings. When each partner speaks from his or her experience there is often less defensiveness, which allows for more understanding. You can take in more of what the other is saying. A simple ‘formula’ to practice is 'when you (…) I experience (…. ). This can apply to saying loving affectionate sentiments as well as frustrations and disappointments For eg a positive expression would be ‘when you (—) I feel warm all over and it makes me smile’. A negative expression would be along the lines of ‘when you (….) I feel like I want to throttle you! To acknowledge that you want to invade (throttle you!) is not the same as invading which would be to say ‘can’t you just keep quiet! Silencing is a way to ‘throttle’ them.

In ‘taking in’ the other we also need to refrain from taking responsibility for them. Another aspect of respect is to resist being a caretaker. Sometimes no matter how a person expresses their experience as their own responsibility, to some, the mere existence of the other evokes a need to take responsibility for them. In other words, the above formula is not foolproof. However, it provides a good place to start and practice from. Another issue that can get in the way of taking in the perspective of others is when our sense of self is fragile and our partner’s perspective brings up a fear that we be engulfed. Couples who hold on tightly to their perspective as being right, are an example of how this may occur.

Deepening intimacy is a continuous process that takes practice. One that involves developing respect and being aware of the many ways we can invade each other, taking responsibility for oneself, and learning to share yourself in an open and forthright manner.

The concept of differentiation is central to the work I do with couples. Here are a couple of definitions:

Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of defining self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation.

Murray Bowen defined differentiation as the degree of resilience to the interpersonal contagion of anxiety.

This article discusses why we need to develop skills for differentiation, and some of the ways couples can do this.

It is important to distinguish between individuality – which these definitions may sound like -  and differentiation. Individuality is how we develop as a person, and connected to self esteem – what is it that makes us who we are? Differentiation is what occurs in relationships with our parents, partners and close friends. Differentiation is not about being separate from our partner it is being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who often reflects on how you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in a significant relationship you may have developed your individuality but have difficulty with differentiation. 

There are several main skills necessary for differentiation to develop.

Differentiation of Self requires the ongoing ability to identify and express important aspects of yourself….thoughts, feelings, wants and desires. Awareness of self is important and this is where individuality can be useful in the ability to identify what is going on in our internal world. Differentiation requires an expression of that internal world to the other.

Differentiation of other is the ability to be curious about your partner’s self disclosure while managing your own reactions. To be present and loving in the face of your partners strong feelings and reactions to you. One skill that helps is the ability to maintain a bigger picture of who your partner is over time, instead of seeing their reaction in the moment as the whole of them.

Differentiation is important to relationships for the following reasons;

• Partners and relationships evolve. There is a continuous richness and complexity that is experienced within oneself as well as the relationship.
  

• Prevents partners compromising core values and beliefs. Learning to understand and support what is important to both people. In the popular culture there is an emphasis on compromise in relationships. What this can encourage is a desire to fix differences and find a solution too quickly  so both partners end up merging and there is boundary confusion.
  

• Maintaining attachment. You can not feel connected to someone who is undefined or vague. Nor will you feel understood if you don’t express yourself clearly.
  

• Working effectively with conflict/differences. Often when we are in conflict our emotions can take over and affect each other. Learning to manage this more effectively and not take things personally. Negotiating effective outcomes makes conflict a way of  promoting more understanding and trust.
  

• Deepening intimacy. Being deeply connected in our differences requires being empathic without losing our sense of self.  Remaining curious to who our partner is rather than trying to make them the same as us continues to deepen intimacy. Sexual intimacy remains vibrant and passionate. One sure way to kill passion is to avoid conflict.
  

When the sun is shining it is much easier to feel connected to your partner. When we are in agreement it is easy to express oneself as there is little risk of conflict.  This is often the way at the beginning of relationships.  But when we are stressed, irritable and tired and differences in our needs or perspective arise, then the work of differentiation really begins. Anxiety arises when we express our difference. Our differences can threaten our security in the relationship. Perhaps my partner wont love who I am if they find out that I see things differently from them.

At this point couples often acquiesce to avoid conflict or will fight to hold onto their identity and try and force their partner to merge. In these ways couples are resisting differentiation. There are certainly some differences that can cause the relationship to end such as wanting children or not wanting children, so the risk is real. However, if you do not do the work of differentiation your relationship can become stagnant and tense or lead to abusive and angry fighting. Both create  more distance that erodes their self esteem.

Contact Delyse to set up an appointment 

Lack of Self-Knowledge

The deeper we know our self the more fully we can be present with others and consciously share our experience. The less you know the more difficult it becomes to communicate your feelings and desires effectively to your partner.  Deep intimacy requires both partners to communicate in an open and honest way, to say what you cannot to anyone else.  Intimate communication involves speaking about the effect we have on one other, both our delight in them, and our resentments and disappointments.  The less we know about our self and the less comfort we have in focusing on our internal and felt experience, the more tendency we will have in interactions to focus on the other and assign blame.

We always reside in awareness and unawareness.  When we are coming from an unconscious place we tend to feel disconnected from those around us, and have less control of our feelings, desires and behaviour.  Communication becomes confusing when we project our feelings onto our beloved instead of expressing and experiencing them directly.  It is our responsibility to keep working on moving from unawareness towards awareness.  We need to take time to reflect, deal with unresolved issues, and learn about ourselves.

Unresolved issues; Family and Relationships

All of us bring our past into relationships. When we have not examined unresolved issues but rather attempted to move on by saying to ourselves  ‘the past is the past and has nothing to do with me now’, we may believe we have gained control over painful memories and experiences.  However, we are likely to find that the same experiences keep occurring as an unconscious re-enacting of early situations.  At some point we have to stop and consider how much control have we gained?  It becomes clear that we do not come into relationships objectively or with a clean slate.  We carry a veil over our partner and the world that we see through.  A veil of projections, that in order to really see and connect, we have to remove.

Emotional wounds occur in early relationships, and when this happens we develop self -protections; unconsciously or consciously we are saying, “I am not going to let that happen again.”  The ways in which we protect ourselves can range from withdrawing, fighting and blaming, trying to please or sabotaging.  These behaviors prevent intimacy, and create distance between partners.  The following is the most common issues as a result of past wounds;

• Unmet Needs.  It is impossible for those around us to anticipate and fulfill our every need.  All of us end up with areas in our psyche where we have experienced deprivation, an un-fulfilled need that still seeks to be gratified.  We are starved of attention, pride, care, or support.  The list goes on.  Coming into relationships we carry a longing for that person who will know us so completely that the pain of  unmet needs gets washed away. How often have you heard at the beginning of relationships such expressions as; I feel so cared for, finally someone understands me, he/she really see’s me, etc.  These are the statements of hope that things will be different.  What we find is that things are not that different and the same kinds of disappointments emerge as relationships progress.  These disappointments tend to have a familiar quality for each person.  For some it is the familiarity of not being heard, for others it is feeling judged.  Just like our parents who could not meet all our needs nor can our partner. We have to resolve the past within ourselves so we do not burden our beloved with the task of meeting all our needs.

• Attachment difficulties. The ability to form secure intimate attachments is a result of the kinds of attachments we experienced early in life.  Depending on how separation was dealt with during formative periods will determine how insecure we feel regarding attachment and separation.  Difficulties tend to manifest as fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment (e.g., “Don’t leave me” or “Don’t get too close”).  Separation and loss is the underbelly of relationships.  As we open our hearts to someone there is the knowledge that they will be torn from us, either as a choice to walk away, or in death.  So times of separation from each other can evoke strong feelings that partners can react to by trying to hold on too tightly or alternatively, maintain their distance emotionally.  Highly differentiated people can maintain strong emotional bonds while still maintaining their individuality.  They can tolerate intense connection and periods of solitude.

Dishonesty

Intimacy requires openness between partners.  We can only be honest about what we know.  Dishonesty is obvious in the big things when we know that we are actively keeping something from someone.  It is in the everyday avoidance of being open about your experience with one another that causes an ongoing erosion of connection.  For example, picture the woman who is looking forward to seeing her husband after a stressful day so she can have someone to talk to, and gets home to find him engrossed in a project of his own and doesn’t get his attention. She feels resentful and disappointed but doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to create any conflict.  So what happens over time is this unexpressed experience begins to build a wall between partners. Each incident is dismissed as unimportant and with it a dismissal of what is important to her.  People are driven by fears of how their partner will take the truth.  So people tend to withhold things that they believe will get a negative response or disappoint their partner.  Honesty becomes a particular challenge at times when negotiating differences, or expressing feelings about the other that are threatening, such as jealousy, criticism, disappointment, and hurt.

Trying to Please. Dishonesty is tied to trying to please by focusing on your partner’s needs and feelings to avoid conflict.  Even though women tend to be the caretakers it is not exclusive to women.  Caretaking becomes a role that denies the caretakers needs in the relationship.

Addictions.

Addictions take energy and attention away from the relationship.  It is easy to see the destructiveness of substance or alcohol addiction on a relationship, but also a work addiction.  Work is hard to confront because it is legitimized by our need to earn a living, and is seen as supporting the relationship and family.  When one or both partners chronically spend long hours at work there is no time to spend in the relationship.  The relationship and their lives become out of balance.

Lack of Time Spent Together.

Intimacy takes time. The longer you are in a relationship a deeper trust and understanding develops.  Making the time to spend in each other’s presence allows for a variety of experiences with each other. These include; having fun together, doing different activities, working on a project, being quiet together, being sexually intimate, as well as addressing conflict within the relationship.  It is important to give yourselves the time to really experience each other.  Snatched moments don’t allow for the kinds of exploration needed in the above examples.  In all relationships there are times when things outside the relationship take priority, such as work, school, family commitments etc. Problems arise when there is a pervasive pattern of not making time to be present with one another.  When both partners have not connected in an intimate way it is more likely that certain experiences in the relationship will go unaddressed.  These may be resentments and conflict issues, feeling unloved, or decisions are made without the full involvement of both partners.  As these experiences build up, the motivation to spend time together decreases because there is so much to repair.  Over time, couples tend to avoid one another and the minefield of unresolved issues.  Ultimately, an excuse of  “we don’t have time” can be a red herring, a euphemism for avoidance of relationship issues and fear of intimacy