Emotional Intimacy

Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.

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Ways partners remain undifferentiated

Fusion is defined as the desire for two people to merge into one another in personal relationships, and refers to an immature connection to the other fueled by a fear of separation. The desire for this type of connection is motivated in part by an unconscious fantasy of bliss through unity. Eric Fromm in ‘The Art of Loving’ talks about immature love being like the symbiotic relationship between mother and infant. Perhaps it is a desire to retreat into a safe haven from the world that creates such a strong pull in all of us for fusion.

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Barriers To Intimacy

Lack of Self-Knowledge

The deeper we know our self the more fully we can be present with others and consciously share our experience. The less you know the more difficult it becomes to communicate your feelings and desires effectively to your partner. Deep intimacy requires both partners to communicate in an open and honest way, to say what you cannot to anyone else.  We are communicating about the effect we have on one other, both our delight in them, and our resentments and disappointments.  The less we know about our self and the less comfort we have in focusing on our internal and felt experience, the more tendency we will have in interactions to focus on the other and assign blame.

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