Intimacy
Emotional intimacy
Emotional Intimacy
Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.
Differentiation
DIFFERENTIATION
The concept of differentiation is central to the work I do with couples. Here are a couple of definitions:
- Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of defining self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation.
- Murray Bowen defined differentiation as the degree of resilience to the interpersonal contagion of anxiety.
This article discusses why we need to develop skills for differentiation, and some of the ways couples can do this.
Barriers to intimacy
Barriers To Intimacy
Lack of Self-Knowledge
The deeper we know our self the more fully we can be present with others and consciously share our experience. The less you know the more difficult it becomes to communicate your feelings and desires effectively to your partner. Deep intimacy requires both partners to communicate in an open and honest way, to say what you cannot to anyone else. Intimate communication involves speaking about the effect we have on one other, both our delight in them, and our resentments and disappointments. The less we know about our self and the less comfort we have in focusing on our internal and felt experience, the more tendency we will have in interactions to focus on the other and assign blame.