Many couples I see go in circles as they argue, blame, and attack one another which invariably ends in escalating the emotional distress.  Disappointment and hurt feelings become ladened with fear and shame as it reaches crisis levels.  We are in a crisis when we perceive the situation as catastrophic and engage in attacking or withdrawing behaviours and that prevent us from repairing a situation or communicate effectively about a difficult subject.

When we are in a crisis there are certain things that happen. 

Firstly, our fight or flight part of our nervous system is activated.  We are actually physically and emotionally ready for a fight or to flee.  So it is no wonder that our behaviour reflects this.  Some typical attacking behaviours are:

venting,
bullying,
demanding,
guilt tripping,
name calling,
blaming,
criticizing,
lecturing,
debating. 

Some typical withdrawing behaviours are:
avoiding conflict,
leaving or threatening to leave,
shutting down emotionally and verbally,
isolating and making unilateral decisions,
indirect expression of feelings. 

Often each partner will tend towards a preferred way of dealing with crisis but both can engage in fighting or fleeing at different times.

The way we talk about what happens when we have disagreements or breaches in the relationship also reflects a crisis. We tend to express things in catastrophic ways: ‘I can not believe you would treat me this way’, ‘I can’t deal with/stand this anymore’, ‘How am I ever going to trust you’.  These kinds of expressions overwhelm each partner and increase feelings of powerlessness.  The person receiving the message hears that they have done something so awful that the relationship has been destroyed.  The person expressing these sentiments reinforces that they are a victim with no power to recover.  One of the results of being in a crisis is a feeling of loss of control.  Partners spiral into behaving badly towards each other out of this sense of powerlessness.  Attacking others or withdrawing can often be a way both partners are trying to gain some control and deal shame. These behaviours and expressions only increase this cycle and the hurt that both partners are feeling.

Crisis occurs when our emotions of anger, hurt, shame, and fear overwhelm us.  It is very hard to stop the fight or flight behaviours when we are in this crisis state even though we want to because we are so ‘revved up’.  The reasons we feel in crisis are because there is something our partner has done, sometimes as little as a gesture, that activates a sense of danger we feel under and that our life is going to be destroyed.  Of course we know rationally that our life is not being destroyed, but when in a crisis state partners often feel that the relationship will end. 

As the hurt and resentment builds up it becomes easier to go into this crisis state rather than maintain a calm state because there has been little repair in the relationship.  The more betrayal a person has experienced in their life makes this crisis state easier to reach.

How can you change this cycle?

• First of all it takes time and effort.  Given how this cycle can become so entrenched,  it is easy to see how hard it is to change these behaviours.  Having a long term view on changing and dealing with your relationship struggles can help to weather the storms.  Looking for the small steps and changes will help to inspire you to keep going and begin to change the powerlessness you feel.  The first step is to keep resisting getting into the cycle and limit talking about difficult subjects until there is safety established.
  
• Our thoughts and behaviours are hard to stop once you have got involved in them.  Learning to notice the signs of a crisis state arising in your body before you get involved in thoughts and behaviours is an important step.  It is easier to calm down and comfort sensations than stop yourself venting once you have started.  For example, noticing tension and learning ways to relax and release the tension will help to keep your emotion in a tolerable range.  When our emotions are in a tolerable range we have more control over the ways we express ourselves and listen to our partner.
  
• Learning to communicate from a calm and regulated state is the most important step. You do not have to be in a crisis state to express your feelings.  Becoming calm is not an act of diminishing your feelings but one of getting them into perspective and creating an environment that is more likely to have your feelings responded to. Limiting your discussions to when you are in counselling creates safety and practice of these skills. Getting a different experience in therapy helps to show you that you can do it differently and train yourself to manage and change this crisis state.
• It is important to realize that we are not always in crisis or overwhelm when the fight or flight part of our system is activated.  Learning to notice our emotions and activation is important information when assessing and processing our experience.  Then we can use this information in our communication with one another. This is referred to as the window of tolerance, where we can experience and express our emotions with relative ease.
• One of the most common mistakes that feeds a crisis state is the belief that someone is right or wrong, good or bad. This means that your partner’s experience reflects on your experience, if one of you is good the other must be bad, and leads to defending yourself and making your partner wrong.  Learning to accept and understand one anothers' experience without making it wrong, is one of the most important things that need to change, in order to create a loving connection.
  
• Notice how your thinking encourages this crisis state. Do you think in catastrophic and absolute ways.  Change always to right now.  You can only solve this moment with each other.  Notice ways you blame and shame your partner.
• The crisis state is often triggered at the beginning of a discussion before fully understanding and exploring what your partner is saying to you and then prevents you from hearing the rest. When we are calm we can be curious and really explore our partners experience.
  

The pain of not being heard, or betrayed, lied to or criticized are examples of experiences from our past that become sensitivities we bring into our present relationships. We become vigilant to these behaviors in others, and it takes only a hint of the original betrayal to cause a reaction.  Sensitivities are the fragile areas of our psyche that are like open wounds.  Any slight touch stings with pain and intolerance.  The emotional reactions that erupt out of this pain take on proportions that far out weigh a common response.  We justify our response with an internal logic which supports the perspective that our partner has purposefully hurt us.  This will tend to create more of what we don’t want because others will perceive our response as unreasonable and become defensive.  It is unreasonable because the recipient of such emotional outpouring is held responsible for more than their behavior.  People don’t respond well to this. Thus, their defensiveness denies the pain of the person with the sensitivity.

Relationships can be a minefield of sensitivities that we try to dodge, control, or disarm forming patterns of relating. Paradoxically these ways of relating will create more of what we are trying to avoid or end up treating others in the same way.  The more we are unconscious of our sensitivities our relationships will tend to escalate into a series of reactions which are out of our control.

So lets examine an example to explore this further.

A common sensitivity is not being heard. Typically what happens is, at the first sign of inattentiveness feelings of anger, hurt and frustrated emerge. The person will tell themselves things like; here we go again, why can’t they just listen, they are doing this on purpose, how many times do I have to say something, they don’t want to hear me, they obviously think I have nothing important to say.  These thoughts are informed by beliefs that originate in early experiences.  Such beliefs might be that they have to behave in certain ways to be heard or that there is no point saying anything as they wont be heard.  So behaviors can range from emotionally demanding to shutting down immediately.  The result of both these habits is to not hear what your partner has to say.

The person who is being accused of not listening at first may be bewildered by the accusation and strength of emotion coming at them.  They may try to express what was going on for them in the situation but find the demanding behavior serves to silence them.  As they continue to be accused they may become defensive. Both end up not listening and so reinforce the sensitivity to not being heard.

These interactions around sensitivities prevent you from dealing effectively with your responses to each other and understanding what is going on. 

Ways to deal with your sensitivities.

1) So often in our attempts to control our anxiety about not having our needs met we end up trying to control our partner. All you can do is request change. Learning to accept that your partner is a separate being is a first step. Understanding that your sensitivity is rooted in your experience of deprivation and that your perceptions of what is happening is more about you than your partner.

2) Once you have more awareness of what is going on for you – share that with your partner. Understanding will help when it comes up in your relationship.

3) Deal with what is happening in the moment. Resist thinking in terms of ‘always’ and ‘never’. Sensitivities tend to get generalized.

4) Take time to explore what is happening with your partner, what caused them to behave that way, what was motivating them, ask questions before you come to your conclusions. Get to know who they are.