The effect of rescuing in relationships
Delyse 
Sunday, 18th of April 2010 at 09:35:14 PM
The effect of rescuing in relationships
‘For each person who volunteers to live the life of a tool, lest he turn out to be a knife, there is another who threatens to become a wound’. Sheldon Kopp.
In coming across the above quote recently I was reminded of the pain caused by being caught up in this cycle. Back in my mid twenties I was a walking wound, and to compensate I tried to take care of others and become the tool to their healing. Thankfully I have come a long way over the years even though there are times when I can get drawn into this dynamic. I have found this description a useful way to understand how we are caught up in being dependent on each other’s happiness. Partners will move between these three positions creating relationships based on powerlessness and fusion.
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Neither in nor Out
Delyse Saturday, 17th of October 2009 at 10:24:39 AM
This article discusses the nature of ambivalence in relationships, and the resulting dynamics.
Ambivalence occurs in intimate relationships when there is the coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other that create an uncertainty about being in the relationship. It is our nature to split our experience into polarities, such as good/bad, right/wrong and emotions such as love/hate, joy/sadness. One could say that we constantly deal with the opposite of our experience even if that is unconscious. As we become closer to our beloved and feel connected our experience is defined by the possibility of separation. Every time we say ‘yes’ there is a ‘no’ in the background informing our choice. If I am saying ‘yes’ to something wholeheartedly, I can feel that yes in every cell of my being. ‘No ‘ has been considered and rejected, however fleetingly, and my ‘yes’ has the quality of certainty. If my desire to say ‘no” interferes with my ‘yes’ it will be said with hesitation and doubt, and a lingering uneasy feeling that causes me to hold back; I am unable to fully commit to that yes. So not only does the opposite polarity define my experience but the degree to which I have integrated it into my consciousness will also affect my experience. Ambivalence could be said to occur when we are stuck between two polarities, and unable to reconcile them.
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Intrusion or Neglect?
Delyse Tuesday, 4th of August 2009 at 10:27:00 PM
I have been thinking about the continuum between neglect and intrusion. These aspects are present in every relationship to some degree most of the time. As we set a boundary with our partner they may crash into it! Some of us are more sensitive to intrusion while others are sensitive to neglect. Neither are pleasant! You could say that both responses are a form of neglect as they disregard the needs of the other. So from this perspective, neglect on it’s own is a message that you do not exist for me. From some of the research we know that a ‘lack of response’ to your partner is more detrimental to the relationship’s success than being mean and critical (intrusion). It seems that it is better to be seen negatively than not at all!
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How are you Attached?
Delyse Tuesday, 4th of August 2009 at 10:20:49 PM
Last night I was having a discussion with my husband about some of our experiences growing up and how that shows up in our relationship. I was reading about what in the field is called ‘attachment styles’ and the different styles we have learned – it became really apparent where my husband and I can affect each other because of our different styles!! After a number of ‘that is so you’ comments by both of us we could learn more about each other by understanding where this came from.
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