PLUS
articles on relationships, trauma and counselling.Archive for April 2010
Sensitivities in relationships
Sensitivities in relationships
The pain of not being heard, or betrayed, lied to or criticized are examples of experiences from our past that become sensitivities we bring into our present relationships. We become vigilant to these behaviors in others, and it takes only a hint of the original betrayal to cause a reaction. Sensitivities are the fragile areas of our psyche that are like open wounds. Any slight touch stings with pain and intolerance. The emotional reactions that erupt out of this pain take on proportions that far out weigh a common response. We justify our response with an internal logic which supports the perspective that our partner has purposefully hurt us. This will tend to create more of what we don’t want because others will perceive our response as unreasonable and become defensive. It is unreasonable because the recipient of such emotional outpouring is held responsible for more than their behavior. People don’t respond well to this. Thus, their defensiveness denies the pain of the person with the sensitivity.
The effect of rescuing in relationships
The effect of rescuing in relationships
In coming across the above quote recently I was reminded of the pain caused by being caught up in this cycle. Back in my mid twenties I was a walking wound, and to compensate I tried to take care of others and become the tool to their healing. Thankfully I have come a long way over the years even though there are times when I can get drawn into this dynamic. I have found this description a useful way to understand how we are caught up in being dependent on each other’s happiness. Partners will move between these three positions creating relationships based on powerlessness and fusion.
Emotional intimacy
Emotional Intimacy
Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.
Differentiation
DIFFERENTIATION
The concept of differentiation is central to the work I do with couples. Here are a couple of definitions:
- Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of defining self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation.
- Murray Bowen defined differentiation as the degree of resilience to the interpersonal contagion of anxiety.
This article discusses why we need to develop skills for differentiation, and some of the ways couples can do this.
Barriers to intimacy
Barriers To Intimacy
Lack of Self-Knowledge
The deeper we know our self the more fully we can be present with others and consciously share our experience. The less you know the more difficult it becomes to communicate your feelings and desires effectively to your partner. Deep intimacy requires both partners to communicate in an open and honest way, to say what you cannot to anyone else. Intimate communication involves speaking about the effect we have on one other, both our delight in them, and our resentments and disappointments. The less we know about our self and the less comfort we have in focusing on our internal and felt experience, the more tendency we will have in interactions to focus on the other and assign blame.
Stages and challenges in relationships
Stages and Challenges in Relationships
There is evidence that relationships follow a developmental path. Understanding this will help in understanding challenges in relationships. Some people negotiate these stages relatively easily but the growing pains of any relationship can bring up traumatic issues for individuals. Our early childhood influences our ability to negotiate the changes because these stages mirror the tasks in early childhood. If our developmental tasks have been interrupted or we have been wounded early in our lives, it will be revisited in our adult relationships. These stages provide a general guide that I find helpful in my work with couples and individuals. I give some examples of the kinds of challenges some couples face at each stage but it is by no means exhaustive.
Online Booking
WITH DELYSE
